Which opening statements below are good examples of strong opening statements?
For as long as I can remember I have been interested in arts.
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Too short, too vague in terms of the ‘as long as I can remember’ element, no demonstration of critical thinking – where does it really explore your interest in art, or showcase your ability or even stand out from the crowd? Projects a serious lack of effort.
NextA highly motivated and hardworking individual, who has recently completed their A-Levels, achieving excellent grades in both English and French. Seeking an apprenticeship in the travel industry to build upon a keen interest in working with the public. Eventual career goal is to become a fully-qualified and experienced hotel manager, with the longer-term aspiration of moving into a hotel chain senior management position.
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Try againA highly creative broadcast professional who has recently completed a masters in videography in addition to four years’ experience across digital media. Great interpersonal skills, with a proactive disposition and a willingness to adapt, will allow me to add real value in a film editing role, whilst working towards my long-term aim to become a film director.
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Good example of a graduate personal statement – good mix of key phrases, educational background and aspirations moving forward. Positive, clear and concise.
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Try againPaul is a recent graduate from the University of Huddersfield with a 2:1 honours degree in media communications. I have undertaken several internships within leading organisations. Paul is now looking to secure a position in a media company where I can develop my current skill set.
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Confusing to the reader, as the statement talks in the first and third person. A better example would be:
A recent media communications graduate with a 2:1 honours degree from the University of Huddersfield, I would like to secure a graduate media analyst position to use and further develop my qualitative research and team working skills. I am hoping to gain experience working in a dynamic and fast-paced environment. My career goal is to assume a role which allows me to take responsibility for the analysis and interpretation of commercial data for a well-respected and market-leading company.
NextAfter finishing my HND in Computer Science at University of Lancashire, I plan to move onto a degree at one of the chosen universities. I plan to enter that degree programme in the Final Year (Year 3) but would also settle for year 2.
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Too sparse – no info about what the 'chosen universities' are; no real interest for the subject and worst of all – the applicant has made a statement about admission eligibility which is too forceful (and probably not even correct) which will only serve to annoy admissions staff. This was a real application to the University of Reading.
NextTo whom ever it might concern,
I considered myself to that of a pack of wolves , each wolf a characteristic of my own whether it was my past, present future or yet devided i was. There was no leader for the pack, but luckily this past summer i went to this program in Oxford called the Oxford Tradition, that truley changed my life. I studied there Politics and economics and through that i learnt where my future lies. In an instant I knew that i can help people with what icould learn in the future, and it is the future that i must change for the better of course.
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Do we really need to explain? Another true application to the University of Reading, an example of a very poor personal statement with lack of accurate detail, too generic, poor grammar – and it's not clear how being a pack of wolves really adds to their application.
NextAn articulate and self-motivated customer service professional with three years’ experience in banking and financial services sectors. Proven track record of success, including managing people - with my team having the lowest staff turnover rate of all company teams. Currently out of work due to company closure, looking for the right opportunity to bring my expertise to a well-established fashion brand in an upper management position.
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Good example of an unemployed/redundancy personal statement – where one should focus on your employment history without dwelling or apologising for any negatives.
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Try againI have always had a great interest in Science and Mathematics because of the impacts that both of these have on our daily lives. I have become fascinated by Pharmacy as a career because it brings together Chemistry and Maths and directly affects the lives of people in the community.
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Nice simple, concise statement combining their study subject interests with the role that they are applying for.
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